Because the joke you laid on the bed, that was me, and I'm not going to fade as soon as you close your eyes and you know it

a policeman just came around to warn us about this guy that's been banned from campus and might steal our food..not really sure how to react to this haha

Lyrics: you oughta know / alanis morissette

I'm really going to miss you picking fights, and me falling for it, screaming that I'm right, and you would hide away and find your peace of mind with some indie record that's much cooler than mine..

felt at my most content at uni sat at my desk with a cup of tea reading about marriages in classical sparta..oh how i spend my fridays :)

Lyrics: we are never ever getting back together / taylor swift

If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this; all those fairy tales are full of shit. One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.

sooooo i haven't posted in a while

with good reason ofc i started uni on the 25th september, so i had to move and i've barely had any time to myself tbh..i'm mostly enjoying it. i like the social side, my new friends etc. but the work is an absolute bitch. i have this lecturer who i'm in two minds about - she's a brilliant lecturer, really knows her stuff, keeps it interesting, but she can be sooooo scary and she sets really awkward, difficult tasks about things we don't know about

like one monday she told us to write a 1000 essay for the thursday on subjects we'd never done before. and she's never satisfied with what you've done. it's so fucking hard it pisses me off i even fucking dream about her!

on the down side uni has meant i've had barely any time to myself to sit down and write stories. so i don't know when fate lines will next be updated. but i'm trying to fit it all in.

Lyrics: payphone / maroon 5

When I feel your velvet, I can't help it; hold your frame, whisper your name. When I feel your velvet, I can't help it; and you don't breathe, so you can't leave.

i start university on sunday

sunday

i don't even have the words to describe how i feel about this i'm scared but excited, worried about living alone and worried that no one will like me or that i'll end up being like the building's mothery type or something because that's normally my type and my mother has gone out of her way to make sure i have things i won't need but other people probably will sooooo i might be quite helpful

just saying

still it's not long to go now i have one more proper full day at home :( and my cat doesn't even realise she's practically snubbing me

Lyrics: velvet elvis / alex winston

I don't want to let you know your heart's an attraction, but I know what you're looking for, it's me you're waiting for, you're not allowed to live anymore

ugh i keep on thinking about uni and it's scary and i don't like it and i don't like thinking about being alone there or having to get the train home after getting a bus somewhere I DON'T LIKE BUSES

gah

i don't know anymore

sometimes i wish i'd just gone to the university nearest to me

it would have been soooo much easier

Lyrics: a whole child ago / biffy clyro

You've got me standing in an awkward position, with unwanted attention and a need for explanations and, it's not that I'm letting go of you, but I don't know what to do

i'm going shopping tomorrow with my best friends we were supposed to be buying uni shit but we all went out and bought it separately so we're just kind of going shopping but it's okay i want to buy the sims 3 supernatural (eeeee!) and the hunger games dvd and i might unnecessarily buy some clothes too even though i don't need any new ones and i might buy a book and some high heels because i literally have nothing else i need to spend this money on

so i'm going to come home tomorrow with a hoard of crap :)

Lyrics: skeleton song / kate nash

She said I love you boy, I love you so, she said I love you baby, oh, oh, oh, she said I love you more than words can say, she said I love you baby

you know what else is depressing (aside from university and the idea of my thighs in disco pants)? the fact that the series of jeremy kyle currently being shown on itv is one i've already seen and i can remember what happens because i've remembered every episode that's been shown for the past couple of weeks now that is sad the state of my life right there

Lyrics: she said / plan b

Come, break me down, bury me, bury me; I am finished with you. Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me; all I wanted was you

I'M SCARED now i have my alevel results going to uni is SO much more real i don't want to go i don't know if i can make friends and fit in and have a social life and still write and play the sims and be me i'm scared i don't know if i can do it i really don't but when i express this to my family they're just like 'you'll be fine'

how do you knoowwww though howww?

gah

Lyrics: the kill / 30 seconds to mars

Put the grenade pin in your hand, so you understand who's boss, my defeat sleeps toe to toe with her success, oh, this is from, this is from, this is from Matilda

i got my a level results! i got a b in classics, a b in english language, and an a in english literature

obviously i wanted an a in classics but it was never meant to happen i don't think haha but yknow i'm really happy with what i've got and they've confirmed my place at uni too so i'm definitely going to live in wales in september :D

Lyrics: matilda / alt-j

You say you want a revelation well revel in this my lover you're free at liberty is this what you want sometimes I wonder

yay i've got a new laptop

i'm really pleased with it! i can now play the sims and not worry about it being slow because of the graphics i like because it's got lovely clear crisp graphics so yayyyy i'm happy

i know that it's supposed to be for university work, but, it's still the holidays and i can make my sims fight mummies in egypt

Lyrics: hall of mirrors / the distillers

And I keep looking for that blindfold faith lighting candles to a cynical saint who wants the last laugh at the fly trapped in the windowsill tape you can go right out of your mind trying to escape from the panicked paradox of day to day if you can't understand something then it's best to be afraid

it's my first day off work in agessss because i've got my english literature exam tomorrow (let's not talk about that) and i am so happy i'm just having a nice relaxed chilled out day i might write later i might not who knows the world is my oyster

down side is my brother and his wife are coming over later on..ysee she did a degree in graphic design and that's like her dream job and she's struggled getting proper jobs in it she finally got one but they won't offer her a pay rise and she went to wales to see a friend the other week and they saw a job being advertised in pembroke and she applied for it and got the job so chances are they'll be moving to pembrokeshire fairly soon which is weird but not that bad for me because i'll be an hour and a half away from them when i go to uni

but basically they're coming over to 'discuss it with us' and my other brother and my father aren't happy about the idea of them moving at all i can't help but feel like they wouldn't be so bothered if i wasn't going to uni this year as well, it's like in one go two of his children / siblings are moving away..i kind of get it but they've talked about moving to somewhere quieter before, it's been their goal to start a family somewhere nicer..oh i don't know i'm just not as bothered about it as i could be basically because in the end i'll be nearer to them..and i quite like the idea of having them closer

Lyrics: classic cars / bright eyes

Cover me with kisses baby cover me with love roll me in designer sheets I'll never get enough emotions come I don't know why cover up love's alibi

i just went on the facebook page for my university like for my year of entry where people are like 'IF UR DOIN CHILDCARE ADD ME'

i panicked and went off it straight away i don't really want to know these people before i actually have to

Lyrics: call me / blondie

Sitting in a wishing hole hoping it stays dry feet cast in solid stone I've got Gilligan's eyes I still believe it's you and me till the end of time

in only a matter of months i will no longer live in the north of england. if everything goes to plan i shall be living in another part of the united kingdom with no family and no friends to fall back on. i will have to fend for myself, meet new people, and actually socialise. everything is going to change.

i'm trying to pretend it's not going to happen but it is and that's fucking scary i'm not a sociable person i'm a nice person but i find it really hard to talk to people. everyone says that i will get used to it and i'll have to make new friends to get by but i can't help but be scared that i'll be by myself and i won't make friends everyone will hate me and i'll be alone for the rest of my life

but maybe that's just a bit silly haha..its just weird i'm very settled and happy in the life i'm living at the moment as boring as it can be and the fact it will change scares me so much

Lyrics: many of horror / biffy clyro

Who by his lady's command who by his own hand who in mortal chains who in power and who should I say is calling

my dad's advice for uni?

'don't read kafka's diaries and listen to leonard cohen at the same time, you'll only depress yourself'

okay dad

this is like the time he told me,

'don't drop acid and listen to black sabbath, listen to something jolly like stackridge'

i love that other parents advice would just be 'don't drop acid' hahahaha

Lyrics: who by fire / leonard cohen

So you want to know me now how I've been you can't help someone recover after what you did so tell me am I looking better have you forgot whatever it was you couldn't stand about me

sooo yeah i went to the university on wednesday

it was good..quieter than i thought it'd be for some reason even though i know it's a really small campus but that said it has everything you need on campus like a shop bar library doctors and they encourage working w/ the university if we need a job plus you fall out of campus and there's loads of really cool shops and supermarkets and pubs so i am sorted

accomodation was all right the ensuite ones were actually disgusting no one cleaned them but the shared bathroom ones were really neat and tidy and looked cosier so i'd be happier with them plus it'd be less money haha

the professors were really jolly maybe a little too jolly and in your face but the course seemed interesting and basically i'm quite excited to go to university now..just need to learn how to drive and all that jazz because if i go there i will be in the middle of nowhere like 6 hours away from home sooo yknow

Lyrics: yes / mcalmont and butler

I don't care what the whisperers say because they whisper too loud for me

Got back from my grandparents about four hours ago and it's the first time I've been able to sit down

I'll write a post about the uni asap but I'm on my phone and it's a bit of an arse to write such a long piece on an iPhone tbh

Lyrics: pack up / Eliza Doolittle

So bottle up old love and throw it out to sea watch it away as you cry a year has passed the seasons go

yknow..this month is really full haha. i've got the visit day, a party, and then i'm going to pompeii..part of me thinks i'll be glad when it's all over because i like having time to myself hahaha

Lyrics: my paper heart / all american rejects

You want a lover who takes time over her looks not some stupid kid who's always wrapped up in her books but can I help it if a sentence makes me cry and the pavement makes me cry and the thought of you and I

i'm going shopping w/ my friend in a bit before i go to my grandparents this evening and then to the uni

i'm prettttty scared about going to the uni i mean what if i do something wrong or embarrassing? or worse my parents haha

but i'm focusing on shopping atm i just need to wait for her to get to my house

Lyrics: atoms / emmy the great

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head I come undone at the things he said and he's so funny in his bright red shirt we were all in love and we all got hurt

This week is gonna be dead weird and awkward I can tell

Basically on Wednesday I'm going to my first choice uni to see the campus and meet the professors and I'm well scared but excited and it's not a good situation hahaha

But I'm staying w/ my grandparents or 2 days because it's nearer to the uni

I love my nana and everything but staying at her house is exhausting in its own way she talks too much and most of it is the same thing again and again

And on Saturday I'm going to an 18th which I don't want to go to because it's fancy dress and I don't like fancy dress plus there was a fuck up with my original costume so I've had to hastily improvise on the internet and hope it all arrives in time

Lyrics: white houses / Vanessa carlton

And I think that I like her because she tells me things I don't want to hear medicinal tongue in my ear

it's just hit me that this year i start university. i'll be moving away from my home family and friends and moving to a completely different place, like four hours away from home and that's really scary i'm generally not a people person i can be very socially awkward unless i feel completely 100% comfortable around them and that really scares me

i'll be living in residence so meeting new people will be vital haha and there's like parties and stuff and i'm not a party getting drunk sort of person i'm quite reserved and like to sit in writing more than anything tbh but i know i'll have to deal with it or be alone for 3 years at uni

it's just really freaky this time next year i won't be living at home :( i won't be able to see my parents or my brothers everyday or play with my cat or just pop round to my friends houses to watch films and talk about people

weird and to top it off i'm 20 next year and i can't decide which is worse lmao

Lyrics: masochist / ingrid michaelson