Because the joke you laid on the bed, that was me, and I'm not going to fade as soon as you close your eyes and you know it

a policeman just came around to warn us about this guy that's been banned from campus and might steal our food..not really sure how to react to this haha

Lyrics: you oughta know / alanis morissette

When I feel your velvet, I can't help it; hold your frame, whisper your name. When I feel your velvet, I can't help it; and you don't breathe, so you can't leave.

i start university on sunday

sunday

i don't even have the words to describe how i feel about this i'm scared but excited, worried about living alone and worried that no one will like me or that i'll end up being like the building's mothery type or something because that's normally my type and my mother has gone out of her way to make sure i have things i won't need but other people probably will sooooo i might be quite helpful

just saying

still it's not long to go now i have one more proper full day at home :( and my cat doesn't even realise she's practically snubbing me

Lyrics: velvet elvis / alex winston

I was twenty one years when I wrote this song I'm twenty two now but I won't be for long people ask me when will I grow up to understand why the girls I knew at school are already pushing prams

i find it bizarre that so many girls from my year at school are announcing they're pregnant..i'm the same age as them and i cannot at my age picture having a baby being a mother i know i need at least another 5 years before i'd even consider trying for a baby

Lyrics: a new england / kirsty maccoll

Picture fresh as water clear days have passed without you here street lights dancing on the dark across the park waiting from a word from you waiting for a sign or two footsteps on the city ground you know the sound

so i've got that fancy dress party on saturday..i'm going as a crap audrey hepburn and i don't want to go i've got nothing against the people going they're just not my best friends and that unnerves me a little because i don't know what to do like who to spend time with etc because i'll just feel like a hanger on

but that said it's not like i'll ever have to see them again once the party is over which begs the question why the fuck am i going?

Lyrics: brother sparrow / agnes obel

Won't you tell me what you're thinking of would you be an outlaw for my love if it's so well let me know if it's no well I can go I won't make you

i read something the other day about people only being truly happy when they can spend time by themselves and not be bothered by it, like the key to being happy is being happy by yourself

and i've got to say i kind of agree with it i know for me that it's not the end of the world if i'm on my own, i'm a happy person most of the time i have a great family and some really good close friends i do things like writing and reading and playing games and updating this blog and baking and watching crap television and stuff that i actually really enjoy, it might not be everyone's idea of fun but tbh my idea of fun isn't going clubbing and getting pissed every weekend i'm a home person i like staying in

i've only really accepted that recently though because when i was at college i felt this desire to try and be like everyone else but now i'm finished with college i know who my real friends are and i know how i want to live my life and tbh i don't really want to be like those people anymore

Lyrics: thirteen / garbage

Shiny floor slippery feet lights are dim my eyes can't meet the reflection that turns my images upside down so I can't see think you know everything you really don't know nothing I wish that you were more intelligent so you could see that what you are doing is so shitty to me

why would your wear your mother's wedding dress to a party? why? i don't get some people there's being fun and quirky and then there's wearing your mother's wedding dress

Lyrics: dickhead / kate nash

Cover me with kisses baby cover me with love roll me in designer sheets I'll never get enough emotions come I don't know why cover up love's alibi

i just went on the facebook page for my university like for my year of entry where people are like 'IF UR DOIN CHILDCARE ADD ME'

i panicked and went off it straight away i don't really want to know these people before i actually have to

Lyrics: call me / blondie

Do you still feel younger than you thought you would by or darling have you started feeling old yet don't worry I'm sure that you're still breaking hearts with the efficiency that only youth can harness

i got a surprise before a guy in my classics class invited me to his 18th..wasn't expecting it haha we talk a little but not so much but it was a pleasant surprise

it's fancy dress, movie themed which is bloody awkard for me haha i don't really watch films i'm too picky about them so i'm instantly stumped at what to go as

i considered rosemary from rosemary's baby because of my hair but then i was like i'm not blonde and it's not instantly recognisable

so we'll see

Lyrics: love is a laserquest / arctic monkeys

I am a dash and you are a dot when will you see that I am all that you've got I'm a binary code that you cracked long ago but to you I'm just a novel that you wish you'd never wrote

so tired :( an extra hour is a nightmare plus the floors i was doing were bigger than mine, more bins etc and i had an allergic reaction to some mould on a bin and i had to put some cream on it and then this werid guy on one of the floors was trying to get me to put some coffee on it and i was like, no why would i, and then my supervisor came over and with the allergy cream it's gone down now thankfully

one of my piercings is really badly infected there's like a boil on it and it's not pretty i'm going to see the doctor and pray he doesn't tell me to take out the piercing..and i'm really hungry so tbh i'm not in the best of moods right now

Lyrics: academia / sia

And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away it's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me you you you oughta know

i know this sounds crazy but i'm probably going to actually read tacitus and suetonius when i've finished college..when i read the prescribed sections i find myself reading on and looking in the index for people they refer to just to find out what happens to them next so i figure it would make sense to just read the whol thing and enhance my knowledge on the subject

of course it will come about a month too late considering my exam is at the end of may and i finish for college at the end of june, but i'll do it for me haha.

besides some of the stories are really interesting, as a rule i'm generally more interested in the mythology or greek side of classics but the romans were just so messed up that their personal lives were fascinating with so many twists and turns..i can see why it makes a good tv show or a good novel you know because some of it sounds like it shouldn't be real..but it is

i just wish that things like provinces and frontiers and the senate and stuff like that weren't involved in the exam because i'd be fine haha

Lyrics: you oughta know / alanis morissette

And don't get me wrong dear in general I'm doing quite fine it's just when it's summer in the city and you're so long gone from the city I start to miss you baby sometimes

"You and your friends don't know shit about women. Why talk to them like that? When you can see they don't like it? If I want to look beautiful, I do it for me. When I wear this I feel part of a faith, an identity. I feel good. That's what beauty is. Tell that to your friends. Then maybe one day, they might even get laid."  - paris je t'aime, ve arrondissement

Lyrics: summer in the city / regina spektor

You got a fast car and I want a ticket to anywhere maybe we can make a deal maybe together we can get somewhere anyplace is better starting from zero got nothing to lose maybe we'll make something but me myself I got nothing to prove

like i don't understand the process that leads to people thinking that they're so hideous that they cannot look at themselves in the mirror without feeling like crying?

maybe (and it probably is) just personality difference here but i don't let things like that get in my way of being happy. i mean people have said some shit things about me before, things that i quickly got used to. i've been told i'm too fat, too ugly, too manly, too tall, too geeky, too weird, too clever. i've been told my skin is bad (like i needed telling) and my eyebrows need waxing (again, like i don't own a fucking mirror). i've also been told that the way i wear my hair makes me look like a lesbian..like a lesbian is a bad thing to be anyway.

but i've never let it get to me because i don't necessarily agree with it..not wanting to sound like a cow but whilst i'm a little overweight i'm definitely not fat and i'll never agree that i am; i'm certainly not ugly even if i'm not scarlett johansson, i don't require a paper bag to go out in public; i can look a little manly on occasion but, hey, my boobs are definitely big enough to end any confusion; i'm average height and actually wish i was a bit taller; and i plead guilty to geeky/clever because that's not a bad thing to be either.

the fact is, when i look in the mirror i don't recoil in horror because i don't let what these people say to me get to me. i'm a big enough person to acknowledge my failings but i can also acknowledge my good points. modesty is fantastic - no one likes a boaster after all - but if i've got it i might as well flaunt it.

i mean, i'm not gorgeous. i'm pretty average. but i like myself and i think that's something to be proud of if i'm honest because so many women just aren't these days and it's horrible to think about. it just makes me sad that girls take these things to heart and take it so seriously when in actual fact the people that say these things don't matter in your life and therefore what they think shouldn't matter..i know it's easy to say and trust me i have been upset by the things that people say more than you know but all it did was confirm my belief that the way to carry on is say fuck you, accept your flaws, accept your strengths, and be who you want to be

meanwhile i'm off to eat a kitkat because life is too short to diet and that's what i honestly believe

Lyrics: fast car / tracy chapman

Sitting in a wishing hole hoping it stays dry feet cast in solid stone I've got Gilligan's eyes I still believe it's you and me till the end of time

in only a matter of months i will no longer live in the north of england. if everything goes to plan i shall be living in another part of the united kingdom with no family and no friends to fall back on. i will have to fend for myself, meet new people, and actually socialise. everything is going to change.

i'm trying to pretend it's not going to happen but it is and that's fucking scary i'm not a sociable person i'm a nice person but i find it really hard to talk to people. everyone says that i will get used to it and i'll have to make new friends to get by but i can't help but be scared that i'll be by myself and i won't make friends everyone will hate me and i'll be alone for the rest of my life

but maybe that's just a bit silly haha..its just weird i'm very settled and happy in the life i'm living at the moment as boring as it can be and the fact it will change scares me so much

Lyrics: many of horror / biffy clyro

Yeah I could give you everything you need with just one touch of my hand but I swore I would never fall in love with a boy in a rock and roll band

i go on other peoples blogs sometimes mainly tumblr and it's a bit weird sometimes when you're just confronted with random gifs of people taking women's knickers off or a woman having an orgasm

i mean i have no problem with sex or anything i really honestly am not a prude in any way shape or form i just find it bizarre that people post things like that

i can't explain what i mean without sounding like the prude i'm insisting i'm not lmao it's just if i posted that on a blog my friends could see i wouldn't have any friends anymore

Lyrics: boy in a rock and roll band / the pierces

There's a moment to seize every time that we meet but you always keep passing me by but you never were and you never will be mine

i've never mentioned this before but i have a whole series of characters in my head that i've never written about but i've got a bunch of word documents and notepads about them

they're one massive family which has now evolved to their friends business acquaintances another huge family and i know them all so well they have branched out into different generations

and every person has their own story that i know in detail..there's like 200 of them as well and this even branches out into other things like i can adapt them, i even know what the characters would be like if they were a teen story, what they'd be like if they were a romance novel, if they were in a werewolf story..

i've just never actually written their stories apart from little details summaries etc they're kept in my head

Lyrics: be mine / robyn

One last thing before I quit I never wanted anymore than I could fit into my head I still remember every single word you said and all the shit that somehow came along with it still there's one thing that comforts me since I was always caged and now I'm free

isn't it weird when you see someone and immediately think you look like that character i invented?

it doesn't happen to me often but sometimes it just does, i was on my friend's fb and she's friends with this lad she knows from primary and i saw a photograph of him smiling and i was like whoa

Lyrics: monkey wrench / foo fighters

The book of love is long and boring no one can lift the damn thing it's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing but I I love it when you read to me and you you can read me anything

so i go on facebook and i'm just looking through my newsfeed and it's like suddenly out of nowhere everyone i'm friends with on facebook who is in a relationship with someone has decided to be disgustingly cute about it and be al smoochy and public and i'm just there like grrrrr -_-

i just wish like i wish i had the confidence to talk to boys properly like i would talk to girls..i mean i can do it but i have to force myself to and those boys i can talk to i don't see like that at all

like the effeminate boy that likes me (but he doesn't really anymore) i get on really well with him but i never ever saw him as being well this sounds really bad but i didn't really see him as a boy and therefore he didn't really bother me

there is this one boy that i like, but it's because he's like my brothers i know that sounds a bit creepy but his sense of humour attitude etc is very similiar to the men i'm used to at home but the thing is whenever i talk to him or try and join in with his jokes to me it just sounds really desperate and try hard so i've stopped trying but i know that in some way if i could just get over being awkward around him we'd probably work

plus to make things worse he apparently really likes this other girl we both know and even though she doesn't feel the same i know he's probably not interested in anyone but her but ysee they both went to pompeii and i saw their relationship from both perspectives because she would just talk about it to me and he would talk about it to his friend and he was all 'i'm just pleased that she's talking to me now' so god knows.

gah idk grrrr

Lyrics: book of love / peter gabriel

I'm on the edge of glory and I'm hanging on a moment with you I'm on the edge with you

day 3 started like the one before it only i actually got up a little earlier because M wanted to use the shower first

i didn't eat anything for breakfast because i couldn't face it and i didn't see the point when i wouln't enjoy it, i had some tea again but it just made me feel a little ill, which wasn't good

then we drove to pompeii which was further away from the hotel than the other places..it was near the pizza place we went on the first day and it was surprising how busy pompeii was i don't know what else i expected but there were groups of tourists everywhere and it was a really lovely day..at first walking through to it it didn't look like a set of ruins it looked like a park or something, it was really bizarre

plus no one else thought we were english they seemed to think we were american we spent the time walking round pompeii being yelled at by french/italian/spanish people who were calling us americans and quoting american tv shows at us, that was weird because we didn't think we actually LOOKED amercian but apparently we did

but yeah, back to pompeii, it was really fascinating walking around it and it was actually quite beautiful the ruins were amazing to look at, probably not as well-preserved as herculaneum but it didn't matter because they were good enough, i found out some really interesting things i didn't know before and i could have walked around it for longer than we did

pompeii ruins

seeing the body casts was horrible though, it was sickening because you could see the pain on their faces and it made me feel ill, it was kind of too morbid for my liking..plus one of the casts was of a pregnant woman which upset me quite a bit

the other thing that upset me was the brothel, they have frescos on the walls of women and men doing various sexual acts and everyone walks through the brothel (seriously it was like the most well-preserved section) and giggles at these frescos and takes pictures and i didn't find it funny, i was thinking like, "prostitutes then were actually slaves, they were women forced to do this, it was practically rape, and that's quite sad really" i mean i know it wasn't all involuntary but most of the women were slaves, taken from other countries and different lives and it just bothered me a little bit because obviously people now find those pictures amusing and put them on fridge magnets and post cards and they don't think about it

we had lunch in pompeii, i couldn't have stomached the sandwiches they gave us so i bought my own from the restaurant and it was really nice, it was mozzarella and prosciutto ham and it was seriously the best thing i'd eaten since arriving in italy

after pompeii we went to solfatarra which was another volcano but it was like a flat plain, there is no lava in it just hot steam and it 'erupts' when there's earthquakes i did NOT like being in an active volcano with steam coming out of it but everyone else was more bothered by the smell, basically it also releases sulphur which naturally stinks of rotten eggs, a lot of people (mainly girls) were gagging and one girl was being sick

it did smell bad but i was, like i said, more concerned about the fact the ground could crack and steam would come out of it i know it wasn't logical because they wouldn't even let us near the place if there was a danger of that happening but a girl's allowed to worry

solfatarra

instead of going straight back to the hotel we headed into sorrento afterwards and i bought some last minute souvenirs but i broke something in one shop and had to buy it which was awkward, then we got lost..we managed to find the meeting point though and then we just had to wait for everyone so we could get the train

we were like yelled at by this man who said 'the english are shit' at us and that was a bit awkward because we couldn't speak italian

then we were back at the hotel. dinner was terrible again, i nearly didn't even get served, but then we just went back up to our room like the other nights to play card games this time my friends T and H joined us and again it was just a really nice, fun night..

until they all had to leave and W and C went out on the balcony again but then the manager of the hotel was out on the street screaming at us to go to bed and get off the balconies and he started going into people's rooms so we just gave in and went to bed

Lyrics: the edge of glory / lady gaga

Well this is on the rise music this is novelty music this is who can blame music I don't get fooled by it this is where did you go music this is come home music this is down to the wire I'm such a perfect angel music

i know this girl who is all like DIEmainstreamDIE all the time like she's always going on and criticising certain bands for being 'too mainstream nowadays' and she basically hates anything that's popular whether it's books TV films etc. and she complains about high street shops and people thinking they're 'dead grunge' because they bought a nirvana t-shirt from h+m

but then i look at her photographs on fb and realise that a) i own a necklace she has and i bought it from h+m and b) my friend has the same nirvana t-shirt and guess what? it was bought from h+m

not to mention this girl works for topshop i mean seriously you don't get much more mainstream than topshop which is confusing in itself because most of the girls i know that work there are on some kind of 'IAMSOUNIQUE' mission when they're not unique at all they all look the same because they all work at topshop and enjoy the staff discount and they all look scruffy like they've just fallen out of bed and anything they have that looks vintage probably isn't vintage because

well because they enjoy staff discount at topshop and they don't buy anything that isn't from topshop

i would never claim to be unique, have my own style, or to hate mainstream because at the end of the day what's the point? if you have to argue how unique/yourself/anti-mainstream you are that probably means you're the least original person in the world

tbh it's the same thing when it comes to people claim things like 'i'm so bubbly' or 'i am crazy' or 'i'm just a bit mad' or 'i am sosososososo random' or 'omg i'm ugly and fat' or 'i say it like it is' or 'i'm not two-faced'

most of the time it's complete bullshit no one bothers acknowledging what they REALLY are

like i would acknowledge the following: i'm a weird, geeky, bitchy, bad-tempered, socially awkward, lazy know-it-all who is scared of too many things and only has like 1 genuine friend

it's NOT that hard to acknowledge things like that.

Lyrics: song away / hockey

My nihilist my happy man my manic and I have no plans to move on

i go through weird cycles sometimes and i swear that this is one of them

i feel kind of apathetic and a general hatred towards the human race where i feel like nothing is worth it and i don't know what i'm living for..it's like everything i do is futile and pointless and i hate it

i think about the future and i just wonder why? why does it have to be like that?

and i'm scared that things won't work out for me

i'm scared of so many things that i'm starting to think it might be a problem..i thought i had got over this but clearly i haven't

i don't know anymore..i'm generally a very happy person but then things creep up on me and i get so wound up i can't even think about anything else

i really shouldn't let things get to me as much as i do but i feel like i have to be strong for everyone else i know and it kills me

Lyrics: my manic and I / laura marling